You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
