my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
