oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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