After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
