I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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