Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
