i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
