dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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