When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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