my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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