3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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