He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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