he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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