And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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