Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
