i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
