Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
