She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
