So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
