you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
When did we convert life to cartoon?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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