apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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