god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
