There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
