Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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