then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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