you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
