theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
