we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
