He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
