you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
