i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
