woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
