I just saw a hot homeless man
...so i touched it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
