Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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