everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
