By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
