You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
