Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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