go do what you do best...puke behind churches
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
