Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You ruined the universe
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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