I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
