I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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