How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
