I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
