Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
