Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
