...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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