yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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