i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
