party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
