It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
where are my eyebrows?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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